I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize