see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
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