"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
