I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
