pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Need sex. Gaining weight.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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