for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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