someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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