yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
