I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
