splinters make it hard to masturbate
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
