piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
