I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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