I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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