I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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