I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
