And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
