I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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