I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
50% drunk capacity currently
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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