Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
