I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize