Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
