Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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