dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
