In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm like, not good at living.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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