I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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