I will die if light touches me.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
