Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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