so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
