one two three fourrrrnication!
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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