I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
