how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
