Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
