: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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