your parents love me but you hate me
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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