boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
