i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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