I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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