Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize