____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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