I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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