A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just gargled with NyQuil
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
