I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
