I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
