3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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