xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
