So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
