Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
