My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
