My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
