No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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