so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
My breasts were aching with rage.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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