We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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