who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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