So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
