Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Please don't give away my fajitas
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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