im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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