my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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