$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
