the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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