I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
