I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
