Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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